I’ve Been So Excited Since…

The Christmas season kind of snuck up on us this time around. All of a sudden they were playing Christmas tunes at work, people started asking how the shopping was going, and ALL the stores are just a little more nuts than usual. I guess that time of the year is here, although in my mind it feels odd when I realize that Halloween has come and gone.  It is kind of exciting to be back at home and near family for the festivities.  Jason and I are both looking forward to the few days when we get to be at our homes with our families and remember childhood holiday times.

So Jason and I started figuring we should start our Christmas shopping. Kind of exciting for us since we’ve missed the last three with our families; I was looking forward to the hunt for the perfect thing for those I love.  The only problem is that nobody needs anything, or even wants anything!  Seriously, I thought about it myself, and at this moment in time I am in need of less than ever!  We talked about it and Jason and I decided thqat we had two choices: We could either brave the malls and chaos and shop for that perfect something for each of our family members which they don’t need (and probably don’t want), or we could figure out a way to give to someone who actually needs something.  Having done a little seeing of the world, we both decided there were a lot more people out there who could use $30 for something than anyone could use a new sweater this year.

We heard some ads on the radio for World Vision this year and looked their catalogue up online.  It is crazy what you can buy for so little money.  In poorer countries the dollar goes a long way…so we finished our Christmas shopping in one night and got a pretty good high off of knowing that we’d just made a great choice (sorry for anyone in our families who really wanted that sweater).  I’m so pumped about the gift Jason got me: he put money into helping a girl in rural China to go to school for one whole year.  Isn’t that awesome???  Like let’s think about it, a sweater for me or someone gets to go to school for a year.  Man, when it’s put like that I’m pretty happy to not have that sweater.   And I got him a fish farm (well someone else gets it really)!  That means that someone who really needs a source of income for their family now has one.  So simple.  And we didn’t even have to wade through swarms of people to find those perfect gifts.  So I just wanted to put that out there for any of you who are still shopping and can’t find the perfect gift yet…you could try looking HERE.  World Vision is such a phenomenal organization…they’re on their way to helping change the world and they get closer everytime we realize that we can be part of that too.

Happy shopping!

The Right Question

I was reading in my Message like a month ago in John 9…the one where Jesus meets a man who is blind from birth.  His disciples were curious to know who was at fault for it.  Jesus’ words especially struck me when I read it this time, like they never had before.  After they asked him about it, he replied with this:

“You’re asking the wrong question.  You’re looking for someone to blame.  There is no such cause-effect here.  Look instead for what God can do…” 

I think God made this jump off the pages at me when I read it because he knew I would need to be reminded of it in the near future.   It was only a few days later that I got the news about John and Jenn’s baby’s death and then a while after that I found myself in quite a dark valley in my journey.  It’s totally natural to want to blame someone, even if it’s just yourself.  But I love the flip he puts on it…I gotta remember the bigger plan and how God can bring such good things from the ugly.  When I think about John and Jenn’s road right now I just feel sick.  There was never a couple that deserved a healthy baby to love more than they did, but even in adversity they are sure to let God’s light shine through them, and that’s when it will be the most evident whose they are.  For me it’s hard to wait on God to see what he’s going to do.  But remembering that he does have a plan for me and knowing it’s going to be a big surprise is pretty hugely encouraging.  The places he’s brought me and things he’s taught me in the past 3 years in China were all surprises…I never would have guessed that was in the plan.  I have nothing to fear in my future.  God is good.

That’s all I got.  Night.

Hope Remains

The weekend is half over already and I managed to get through it, and even be with people a little bit, and appear somewhat normal on the outside. I don’t know why I have such a sense of feeling distant to everyone. It’s not that I want to be this way; I actually have a huge desire for sharing and opening up, but I just haven’t felt comfortable enough for some reason. Weird, hey? People are funny, I’m funny.

Though I’m in this strange place in my journey, at this point in it I can see some hope. Maybe I’m over the worst of the reverse culture shock, maybe it’s still coming, but I can see that God has been trying to communicate with me through many different things and people that it’s ok to be here in this spot and that it will not last forever. Last week at church at the end of class, Charlene brought up a verse…

“Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. They give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises.” (Romans 15:4)

She said she didn’t know why it was in her mind, but she felt the need to share it with everyone. My ears perked up immediaty because I wondered if that verse was for me to hear. Last Sunday it was really hard for me to go to church. All I wanted to do was stay in bed that day, avoid as many people as possible, and focus on my negative and selfish thoughts (yeah, I know, real helpful). A smile was pretty tough to muster but tears were no effort at all. So I was pretty needy and hoping for something that would help, but I had no idea in what form it might come in, or if it would. Well, that verse got me though the rest of the week. It reminded me that God’s promises are always fulfilled and that no matter how strong my own feelings may be, they do not dictate truth. Like if I am having intense felings of loneliness, so much so that I cannot even feel God’s presence around me anymore, that doesn’t mean that he is not still there. One of my favorite verses that I found in China reminds me of this and I love the wording…”so we will be confident before the Lord, even if our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” (1 Jn. 3:20)

There were a few other things this week that reminded me that I am not alone, even in my greatest moments of loneliness. I was vividly reminded of when Jesus was wrestling in prayer in the garden and his best friends on earth fell asleep- the toughest night of his life and his buddies aren’t with him. He knows what it’s like to feel somewhat alone. He understands me, even when I don’t get myself. That makes me think I’m not so messed up. Thanks to him.

Not Quite Living

Well, we’ve been back from China exactly 5 months today.  Hard to believe that I’ve been living in Canada now for that long but feel so uncomfortable these days.  The first few months must have been ‘honeymoon phase’ because the initial high has worn off and now I just feel out of place.  It’s been hard to put words to the sadness I feel…though it’s definately real and I can’t quite put a finger on why.  I think that’s why I’m starting a blog- I need to spend some time trying to make sense of the mess in my head.  And I also need some support and I’m too proud (and dumb) to ask anyone in person for it.

I’ll start off by saying that I have so many reasons to be thankful and happy.  Like I said, there’s no real reason that I can think of for being in the place I am.  If it didn’t feel so real to me every moment I’d think I was making it up.  I’m surrounded by great people in my church, I get to be in a city where get to see my 2 brothers often, I live in a great house that’s toasty warm, I wake up every morning in a room that’s an awesome shade of blue, I have a husband who loves me and sort of understands me, I have half a cheesecake sitting in my fridge, I got the     job I wanted, and I have the promise of a plan made by God for my life.  It sort of sounds like I should stop complaining right now.

I just feel like this adjusting to home is pretty tough right now.  I think I know that it’s normal and that someday again I will feel like I fit in here, but I can’t FEEL that.  I feel sad at losing my friends there.  I know they’re still my friends and that I can still call them or email, but we can’t walk life together like we did then, and that was quite special.  Even with the language barrier and culture barrier, there were a handful of fine folks in Shiyan, China that we walked some pretty special days alongside.  They were meaningful and full of growth, and I will carry those always in my heart as being some of the most special of my entire life.  Our kids in China were our life for those years.  We spent most of our waking thoughts and conversations with each other trying to find ways to invest in them,  encourage them, and look for ways to help them grow.

Maybe that’s what I miss most these days…relationships.  Many things have changed in 3 years being away, with others and with me, and it feels awfully difficult to pick up where things were.  Impossible actually.  I’ve been finding it most natural to withdraw from people.  I do feel tired in my spirit; maybe from 3  years of totally looking for ways to invest in others, maybe from lack of feeling a purpose here yet, or maybe because of all the changes that have gone on in my life in the last 5 months.  I don’t feel at all like myself, I feel often lonely, and like I have no energy to change any of it.  It really bugs me that I feel like this.  It bugs me that I have not much to give to others right now.  I’m not encouraging at all and usually that’s something I think I can do well.

I gotta go to bed.  Work calls in the morning…more tomorrow.