Back Again

Thought I should write a post saying that Jason and I are headed back to China in August.  I will be going for one month to take part in a 2 week medical mission in the city of Xian (8 hours away from Shiyan) and when that’s done Jason will join me to spend some time visiting our old friends in Shiyan and Wuhan area.  We’re totally pumped about getting back there; yep, I was looking for an excuse to get there and I’ve always wanted to do medical missions.  It’s why I became a nurse in the first place so to have the chance to get some experience in China?  Nothing could be better.  I leave August 3 and Jason leaves August 13.  We’ll be back Augsut 31.  Whew, just in time for the Labor Day Classic.  We get to stop on our way back and see HK Harm’s hood.  The month of August will be a sweet one.

One year since…

This day marks the one year mark since we returned to Canada from China.  And even having typed that and knowing that it is indeed a reality makes my mind swirl.  It makes me happy to know that it has been that long, I have survived the worst of the culture shock!  And it makes me sad to know that it’s been THAT long since we’ve been away from our dear friends there.  I also wonder as I look at the time, how can so much happen in one year; and so little?  I had to go back and read this post again.  I wrote it the night before we left Shiyan.

from June 24, 2006

Last night in Shiyan

Well, it’s 3:30 am on our last night in this town, and I guess we’ll be heading to the train station in about 12 hours (which has me realizing just how short on sleep I’m going to be by the time I get there!). This week has been a wonderful one, full of surprise visits and meaningful last times with friends here. It has crossed my mind many times how and why loving people can be so painful though! Having to leave our dear friends here, those who we have journeyed with for a few years, feels honestly like some kind of pain! I remember back to having to leave our families for the first time and how hard that was, but I knew I’d see them again in a year’s time! It’s pretty tough to know that I may not see these special friends for a long while…and many things will have changed when we meet again. We can never come back to this time and this place with these people. Our hopes for them are many, and our experience tells us that He is faithful beyond expectation. We will keep asking that He continues the good things he has begun in their lives, and wait to hear the details of it! This little town has brought us so many blessings. It all seems so surreal that tomorrow we will leave the home and culture we’ve had for three years and return to our homeland. While thinking about leaving and what we’ll miss from China, many things come to mind…-falling asleep to the sound of thousands of croaking frogs-late April when the smell of jasmine flowers fills every corner of campus-the variety and freshness of the vegetables and fruit that can be found-heat and humidity (beats goosebumps anyday!)-being on the high end of the pay scale (when will that ever happen again?!? )-being within train distance to anywhere in Asia

-the extra status you being a foreigner and that people usually listen when you say something

-walking out onto any street at midnight and meeting vendors willing to cook you delicious meat on a stick, fried rice, or whatever you ask for!

-the amount of people that can be seen in any direction that you look (so much activity to watch!)

-the MSG that gets loaded into the dishes in every restaurant that make them taste SO good (haha, this one was a joke to see if you were still with me, we won’t miss that too much)

But all these pale in comparison to how much ache our hearts feel at having to leave the 15 close friends we have here. I can’t find words for it at the moment. It is purely selfish on my part, but I can’t help wanting to be around to see what happens next in their journeys. They each have a unique and powerful story to tell and it is not over yet! But our part in it is finished for the time being, perhaps we will find out why in the future. He is faithful and has never failed in giving a child what is needed when it is needed.

We will return to Canadian soil in one week, and there are many things we’re looking forward to, but at the moment they seem a world away and hard to put our minds on. We will have a few days in Beijing and hope to try to get our minds around the changes that we are in the midst of. I will have to write a happier, more excited blog about things I’m looking forward to in coming home, but that will be in a few days. For now, I just know that tomorrow will be a tough one because loving people a lot hurts, but I will be taking comfort in the fact that no one knows this better than our heavenly Father. And He still chose to love extravagantly and never regretted it for a second.

I’ll end with a quote from the dear Mother Teresa, someone who followed the Great example and found one of the secrets to loving:

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

I’ll keep working on it I guess. Goodnight for the last time from Shiyan…
-s

So now here we are a year later.  In the midst of my depression (and it was bad enough to call it that) this past year, I couldn’t see why I was as low as I was.  I had nothing to give others, and I couldn’t even offer up any prayer much more than “help!”  Now that God has helped me out of the darkest part of that valley, I can see the reasons that I was where I was.  What I missed the most were the individual people.  In the three years that I knew them, I can honestly say that I poured my heart into those kids like they were my own.  I did not hold back…I knew why I was in China.  I was not gifted with t he things that Jason was gifted with.  I was not a great teacher and I was not a good storyteller or entertainer.  I was limited and at times I wished that I could have the talents that others had so I had more to offer in my short time there.  But I do know that the reason I was in China was to love and to give.  Some say that in life, some things you don’t understand until you are a parent with your own kids.  And to some extent I feel like I can understand some of those things.  For three years my life was wrapped up in little else but their walks, their needs, their happiness, their worries, and looking for ways to be used to bring them to more understanding and faith.

I can still remember vividly the train ride from Shiyan to Beijing, after leaving all our brothers and sisters at the station.  It felt like my heart had been separated from my body.  I don’t know how many test messages I sent during that train ride, but there were many.  I slept with the phone.  Of course I felt that they would be well taken care of; and I was not worried for their faith or their futures.  I just knew I would miss them dearly for a long long time.  And that it was going to hurt me.  So I do know why I have been so down this year.  And to be honest it kind of feels good to know that I’ve had a reason to be where I’ve been.  When you’re in the midst of depression you can’t really undersand why you’re there.  If you could you might be able to find a way to get out of it, but at the time, it just feels like you’re in a place you know you shouldn’t be and that just adds to the stress of thinking that you can’t do anything right.  So anyway…I’m admitting that I’ve been in mourning this year.  Mourning being so far from my “kids”, mourning knowing the purpose of my days (a tangible way to spend my time), and mourning a way of living life that I came to love… living life in community, being close on a daily basis with others who are all trying to be Jesus to those around them, and I miss the encouragement that that brought to me.  But it’s ok to be there, and to have been there, and I’m giving myself permission for it.  After all I’m 30 now, and I figure the older you get, the less you have to ask if anyone thinks you’re ok or not.  I know that it won’t last forever, and I do recall a few distinct instances along this past year that even though I did not feel God’s presence in my life, I know that he was there with me.  And I recall the clear mesage that he gave me through something I saw or a thought that crossed my mind.  They kept me going and remind me even today that he has a plan for me here.  And I will cling to that hope because if i don’t have that I don’t have anything.