Not Quite Living

Well, we’ve been back from China exactly 5 months today.  Hard to believe that I’ve been living in Canada now for that long but feel so uncomfortable these days.  The first few months must have been ‘honeymoon phase’ because the initial high has worn off and now I just feel out of place.  It’s been hard to put words to the sadness I feel…though it’s definately real and I can’t quite put a finger on why.  I think that’s why I’m starting a blog- I need to spend some time trying to make sense of the mess in my head.  And I also need some support and I’m too proud (and dumb) to ask anyone in person for it.

I’ll start off by saying that I have so many reasons to be thankful and happy.  Like I said, there’s no real reason that I can think of for being in the place I am.  If it didn’t feel so real to me every moment I’d think I was making it up.  I’m surrounded by great people in my church, I get to be in a city where get to see my 2 brothers often, I live in a great house that’s toasty warm, I wake up every morning in a room that’s an awesome shade of blue, I have a husband who loves me and sort of understands me, I have half a cheesecake sitting in my fridge, I got the     job I wanted, and I have the promise of a plan made by God for my life.  It sort of sounds like I should stop complaining right now.

I just feel like this adjusting to home is pretty tough right now.  I think I know that it’s normal and that someday again I will feel like I fit in here, but I can’t FEEL that.  I feel sad at losing my friends there.  I know they’re still my friends and that I can still call them or email, but we can’t walk life together like we did then, and that was quite special.  Even with the language barrier and culture barrier, there were a handful of fine folks in Shiyan, China that we walked some pretty special days alongside.  They were meaningful and full of growth, and I will carry those always in my heart as being some of the most special of my entire life.  Our kids in China were our life for those years.  We spent most of our waking thoughts and conversations with each other trying to find ways to invest in them,  encourage them, and look for ways to help them grow.

Maybe that’s what I miss most these days…relationships.  Many things have changed in 3 years being away, with others and with me, and it feels awfully difficult to pick up where things were.  Impossible actually.  I’ve been finding it most natural to withdraw from people.  I do feel tired in my spirit; maybe from 3  years of totally looking for ways to invest in others, maybe from lack of feeling a purpose here yet, or maybe because of all the changes that have gone on in my life in the last 5 months.  I don’t feel at all like myself, I feel often lonely, and like I have no energy to change any of it.  It really bugs me that I feel like this.  It bugs me that I have not much to give to others right now.  I’m not encouraging at all and usually that’s something I think I can do well.

I gotta go to bed.  Work calls in the morning…more tomorrow.